aggrivation in imagination

11:49 pm

so the thing with that girl didn't work out. sadly, i'm still doing what i can. but putting that aside.

as of now, i'm starting line for lacrosse on JV.... and i've only been playing for about 3 months now. it's the only thing keeping me going right now. and the head of my stick is broken in 3 places now, but it's all i've got to work with. i'm leaving to n.carolina for spring break. all break. first time i'll be gone all of spring break. so tell me if i miss anything cool or anything that i should know, b/c i'll miss a lot of you guys.

i'm tired
really tired
i think..wait here
lets do it like this

went to bed on __ :
- saturday
woke up at 6am
in bed at 3am
-sunday
woke up at 6am
in bed at 2am
-monday
woke up at 6am
in bed at 2am
-tuesday
woke up at 6am
in bed at 4am
-tonight
hahaha

so what's that make...3+4+4=11 hours of sleep from saturday to wednesday
and i'm sure most of you got 9x3=27
leaving me with more than half that
not to mention the 2 hours of lacrosse everyday but sunday

yet my mind is working fine
i've drifted a lot in my classes if any of you have noticed
but my mind concentrates better when i'm half asleep
it can comprehend more easily. probably b/c my mind is off all the other things going on.

we'll be hiking in the mountains in n.carolina. it should be cool. b/c they're mountains. yeah.....so although i've seemed depressed lately at times. i really haven't to be honest. i kind of just get angry that things don't work out the way i want them too. even when i've been trying my hardest. mostly the girl thing too. everyone of my close friends just recently hooked up which will most likely work out for them. a bud of mine even with the girl i like. the 2 who were going to be together even though it didn't seem like it would. and now my other good bud found someone who likes him back..and i'm just Ian.

on the way to worldly peace. we have to work within our groups to get each otehr to work as a team. the lacrosse team has this asshole freshman who is going to get his ass kicked if he doesn't start respecting his team mates. we're a team and i feel we should act as a team whether someone does like someone else or not.

speaking of which, i may come off as an aggressive person. i think i just have too much energry that i don't know what to do with. that's why i like lacrosse. all of my energy and hatred can be filtered to a good cause and all the pain i feel can be filtered to real physical pain instead.

wow, lacrosse seems to be a main theme here. but i need to start working more on my trumpet too. auditions are coming up soon. they're not that hard, but it has to be worked on.

oh i wrote this little line today.

one death in a parade of an unsuspecting flock

i thought it sounded cool. so it'll probably become a poem sooner or later.

i've learned a lot about myself and about life these past few months.
a lot of it may be stupid or dumb sounding but i've got it.
so i might as well add it into the rant.
- I can't stand a lot of the drama kids. Although, there are the exceptions, mostly people that i actually talk to or the kids that are in drama that are my lj friends like (rob, stetta, that's the only people i can think of right now).
but besides those few exceptions, most of them just get on my nerves.
- I'm figuring that I'm going to become passive when the alcohol influence will come up sooner or later.
- I tend to back off and make too many assumptions. i'm learning to tell myself to quit fucking thinking hard about events that are in the future.
- I am too emotional. I'm putting it off and i feel better. I just want to hurt some people for them being assholes sometimes.
- I am unconsciously selfish on certain topics. I can settle it down. but i don't know if i can completely change it.
- the best of friends won't make you depressed when they tell you you're doing something wrong or acting like a dick. they make it easy to fix.
- relationships all depend on good communication. without talking almost completely open, you won't get anywhere.
- not all girls like the nice guy. show some edge. and always stay mysterious to a certain degree.
- if you stay tough and confident in the beginning, you'll finish the winner. don't just take shit from angry and ignorant people.
- lime could save the world
- religion and nationalism causes destruction and corruption, as seen in the late 1800s and 1900 throughout the world.
- some freshman think they're smarter than you. and they think that they can tell you that you're an idiot to your face and laugh. when you're about half a foot taller and twice his weight. the answer to stay calm. and throw marker-board erases at him in the face to shut him up. the kid told me after our band concert "hey, you played pretty good for an idiot". had i not taken a deep breath and followed my morals, the kid would have a crushed skull and lie dead in the band hallway with blood strewn across the floor and lockers.

anyways. i have a few personal thing to work on. a few team things to work on. and few things to teach our society.

how i do it will be anonymous. it'll be done whether you like it or not.
and i'm still not sure whether or not I should get a hair cut?
and i'm still not sure why i love the unicorns and would probably have sweet butt sex with any of the members?
and i'm still not sure how I got this far in an entry about nothing. read it. you'll like it.

10:26 pm - k. help.

so there's this girl

and i don't know what to do

b/c it doesn't seem like it wants to work out

but i really want it to work out

:(

11:52 pm - back? for now?

what
the

FUCK IS GOING ON????????????????
that's right. i'm making a real post.
if you know anybody that would like to read the crazy shit i right, then please tell them (or tell anyone who may have changed their livejournal to add me).

anyways, i felt continuing to speek of what happens to me could be beneficial to relieve some stress. fuck the drama, i'm writing.

so things have been weird. i'm lovin' it man. but i need to work on the ladies. oh the ladies....or lady....in fact, i may be giving a speech on that, because i've definitely fucked up my last time. especially in this last 3 day weekend, which was amazing. let me know if you care, then i'll write a crazy thing on it tomorrow.

how the hell do you spell speech anyways? is it speech or speach? speek or speak? so confusing.

so i can't sleep! figures right? nothings really changed considering this factor of my life. i need some fuckin' lunesta! yeah! that sexy buttefly. i had one on my nipple for about 2 weeks. but the tattoo washed off. it was awesome. i'm looking for some other good tattoos to put on b/c they're pretty fun. you'd be surprised.

oh yeah. and in school. if you didn't get much sleep, don't be complainin' probably b/c i've gotten nearly one half of what you're complaining about. yeah. so fuck youuuuuuuuu
or not. i'm just kidding.
but more seriously
i saw boondock saints 2 weekends ago
what a great fuckin' movie. except nowwwwwwwwwww i swear too much....again. so Ian has something to work on here. what else? ..hmm

oh yeah. so. advice here. i can't call people
especially girls. i'd much rather talk to them in person, b/c on the phone or getting ready to call someone on the phone, i tend to back off and just "save it til later" aka don't call them. i have a fear of phones. one tried to eat me before. maybe it was in a dream. who the hell knows. i'm a redheaded freak

if you don't know about the team. you better find out soon. we're going to make t-shirts when we .........decide to make t-shirts. bunch of good kids. we had the medallion today. or as many of you called it. the PIE TIN. well GUESS WHAT? I LOVED THAT CAKE SO MUCH THAT I DECIDED WE SHOULD HELP IT LIVE ON FOREVER. however, i think joe might have rolled on it. over and over and over and over. so i'm going to work on making a paper airplane or crane out of it. maybe.
and if i was bitchy to you today. i'm sorryyyyyyyyy. i think i'm getting sick, putting me in a really pissy mood. i wasn't feeling well. so i kindof had a bad day.

except FOR GETTING MY LACROSSE STICK BACK. oh man. mr. AJ Getz fixed it up. Katie Getz's bro. and i may not know the kid that well, or at all for that matter, but i shall spend much gratitude out his way for his kindness and effort. if you see him/ know him. give him a pat on the back for befriending sophmores, the corrupt class of NNHS.
speaking of which. what the fuck is with all the smoking/drinking/being a biggot in our school.....mostly in our grade. it pisses me off. fun can be without it. but i'm not going to discriminate you for doing so. just speaking the mind there. AHHHHHHHH speaking is with an A. k got it now. ... i think...

anyways i should start studying 20th century history. as this took me about 5 minutes now. keep it real. party hardcore. stick with your friends (something i need to work on). slow down the cussing (another thing i need to work on). keep reelin' in the babes ( YET another thing i need to work on). and have a great fucking Wednesday tomorrow..or today if you're reading this ..on...WEdnesday?? FUCK YEAH.

01:50 am - IAN MADE A NEW LIVEJOURNAL for his poetry/writings

smattios

01:05 am - Fundraising Userpers Ceep Krazy

Should Ian make a new livejournal?
Strictly base it on poetry?
?
??
???
????
?????
??????
???????
????????
???????
??????
?????
????
???
??
?
Let me know what you think.

10:53 pm

and it'll be erased in a week or sooner.

fuck this.

fuck trying.

fuck you.

10:48 pm - Teach me to Fly

Wings flutter steadily
feet glazing the ground
a speeding blur of dissonance
and she's gone

Fury cries within
ravishing the ground with pain
I crave the assistance
of one to teach me to fly
so i may soar away too

09:52 pm

I'm not who I am
I am who I am not

A path clears forward
an empty unhatched mind
the gates left carelessly open

playful dancing
until the grass disappeared

02:50 pm

Fall is here, hear the yell
Back to school, ring the bell
Brand new shoes, walking blues
Climb the fence, book and pens
I can tell that we are gonna be friends
I can tell that we are gonna be friends

Walk with me, Suzy Lee
Through the park, by the tree
We will rest upon the ground
And look at all the bugs we've found
Then safely walk to school
Without a sound
Then safely walk to school
Without a sound

Here we are, no one else
We walked to school all by ourselves
There's dirt on our uniforms
From chasing all the ants and worms
We clean up and now it's time to learn
We clean up and now it's time to learn

Numbers, letters, learn to spell
Nouns, and books, and show and tell
At playtime we will throw the ball
Back to class, through the hall
The teacher marks our height against the wall
The teacher marks our height against the wall

We don't notice any time pass
We don't notice anything
We sit side by side in every class
Teacher thinks that I sound funny
But she likes the way you sing

Tonight I'll dream while I'm in bed
When silly thoughts go through my head
About the bugs and alphabet
And when I wake tomorrow I'll bet
That you and I will walk together again
I can tell that we are going to be friends
Yes, I can tell that we are going to be friends

02:09 am - Over

READ THIS NOW. OR YOU WILL BE TERRIBLY CONFUSED AT THE FACT I AM MISSING.

I've been wanting to get rid of this for a very long time, but, due to some people, I've kept this alive. Nobody can tell me to change my mind now though. As you may have been able to tell, I have not been a regular updater anymore. I've made a myspace which I find to be much less depressing. I've found, over the months, livejournal to be very saddening at times. Plus, what I say in here is always stupid shit anways that nobody even wants to hear (or should I say See). I've learned that writing in my own real journal is better, because I don't even need comments on whether someone liked what I said or not or that they're sorry and all. Sorry if this bums some of you guys out. I mean, I'll still update occasionaly, but definitely not regularly. I may just turn this into a poetry blog....but who knows. Please check out my myspace, you may find it entertaining.

http://www.myspace.com/24319072

smatt out.

10:28 pm - back from running

Run.


When I run, there is a certain point, where physical shape is reached, and I am able to run for fun. I easily remain full of energy even after finishing. Of course, I am bound to lose some energy. Yet, in this hour of running, I find, that it becomes more and more of a dream. Nearly all thoughts will clear from my mind, leaving a few which may need some considerable thinking. There also times where my mind will clear completely, thus creating a dream like world of thinking. Breaking at times to stop from getting hit by a car, yet, the train of thought continues. Time ends after an hour or so, abruptly the enhanced breathing and steps hault. All sense of time slips between my fingers; I am happy to know such a peaceful hour passed by, while all the time tranquil nothingness fails to decline my mind.


Run.
It's good for you.
Physically. Mentally.


Read.

Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince was amazing. Read it. Later, I will write my evaluation of it, because I have to. Don't worry. I'll make sure I write a warning for those who have not read/ are in the middle of the amazing book.

Read.
It's healthy.
Mentally.

Current Mood: flatlined

05:31 pm

I sat comfortably in a chair
of soft dreams and pillowy thoughts
patiently waiting

as she had once explained

"You'll know it's there
when it's there

It's a feeling you get
and when you get it
you'll know how it feels"

Skeptical words it seemed

but I have waited despite my skepticism
.
.
.
It came.


I love Tara Dorshorst


I know we're both sorry,
that it had to end
this way

09:14 am

After a week of thinking and hanging with my best friend, it made me realize that I don't know some people as much as I thought I did. For example, say this kid's name is George, and I met him last school year. Well right now, I don't think George is who I thought he is. He seems to be a different person right now. Doing things that amaze me only b/c i never thought George would fall down that low. Yeah that's how I feel.


Pretty much, the only thing I feel going for me right now is running and some new bands I'm getting into. Running makes me feel good and the weird thing is that I didn't run almost all of last week. But I really think that's just because out in Michigan everything seemed so weightless. so simple. so fun. and so worryless. I love hanging with my running friends. They're awesome, always pushing life to it's full extent, always being fun and..i gues i can say, encouraging. Like Mr. Kyle Sleik, drives me to bagels in the morning. He is a kick ass driver. Fun to drive with....hehe. Paul, a kid I should hang with more. Saddy and Tratty, good kids, always happy. Blake and Talinski, just really nice. Heyson, just a cool kid. All these kids are just great people, and I'm starting to become fairly good friends with them. Jeff isn't in running but I really need to hang with that kid more. He's funny, cool, and really fun to be around.

Anyways it's raining. I'm at a friends due to my parents not trusting me while they're in California. Call 369-9254 if you really need to talk to me or call me for whatever reason.

That's it, now I got a lot of catching up to do with life, as I've been out for a week.

Current Mood: confused

03:25 pm - mICHIGAN sWALLOWED tONS OF fUN IN oNE gULP

I'M baCK BItCheS!

11:40 pm

Ok, Paul made this amazing poem. and it is titled lucid dreams. remember PAUL WROTE THIS. PAUL BOYER. NOT ME!

LUCID DREAMS
feeling this insanity

respecting all humanity

falling for another fear

watching fall another tear

looking at the stars above

making space for your love

hoping life is what it seems

we're just living lucid dreams
***
well first of all, like me, you probably don't know what a lucid dream is. this is what Paul wrote...
-lucid dream: a lucid dream is a dream in which the dreamer realizes they are dreaming and is able stay in the dream taking complete control of the events in the dream. said to be one of the most exhilerating experiences possible because of the endless imagination of the brain and the reality it seems to create.

and it made me realize. those are my dreams. i swear to god, like it's weird. i've never really been able to explain it to people. nobody ever really understood me. i've had this ablility, that i noticed the past few years, to alter my dreams to how i want. i also have found the power to tune in and out of dreams whenever i want. i mean, if a dream isn't going well, a lot of the time, i can hear myself thinking, "wake up, this is sad." And I do! Later on, after shaking off the pain or shudders, I get curious and i can hear myself thinking, "what was going to happen next. I have to find out." And I do! I re-enter the dream! i always thought that it was my imagaination, but i guess it is true. A lot of the time, I'll wake up in the morning, with this big story that's been going, and i remember waking up over and over through the night. Like I said earlier, I can alter my dreams to, however, this can become more of a "sometimes" than the tuning(which i can do whenever). "sometimes", i can't do change anything from what is happening. but yeah...i'm boring you now.



i guess, when i do remember my dreams that is, i have a strange knack to control them...i realized that tonight. and now i shall astound the world with my recent knowledge from a brillant dreaded runner's poem. :)


** updates**
i'm going to michigan on saturday for a week
blair and eric broke up-- sorry blair :(
um. who knows what's going to happen with me and the big "T"

shit....i can't believe this happened in mid-entry...

05:04 pm

:) smile for those you love

In a haze, a stormy haze
I'll be round; I'll be loving you always, always
Here I am and I take my time
Here I am and I'll wait in line always, always

Current Mood: out of energy

12:34 am

sorry everybody. i haven't been on here in too long, and it's too long of a story. UMPHREY'S MCGEE WAS AMAZING IF YOUD DIN'T SEE THEM AT RIBFEST!!!! i can't sleep. anyways. my insomnia is kicked in. and so i'm going to do this. be bored or amazed at how stupid i am.

() smoked a cigarette
(x) drank alcohol (no more than a sip)
() drank alcohol more than once
() smoked a cigar
(x) made out with a member of the same sex (I'm guessing it could be considered making out. Kyle. Paul. ;])
(x) been dumped
(x) shoplifted
() been fired
(x) been in a fist fight
(x) snuck out of my parents’ house
(x) had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back
() been arrested
() made out with a stranger
() gone on a blind date
(x) lied to a friend
() had a crush on a teacher (sadly, I can't say I have)
() skipped school
() seen someone die
() had a crush on one of your guy friends
() been to Mexico (Do I look like the type of guy who wants to get shot?)
(x) been on a plane (psh. I flew one.seriously)
() thrown up in a bar
(x) set a part of myself on fire
(x) eaten Sushi
() been snowboarding
() met someone in person from xanga
() been hxc dancing at a show
(x) been in an abusive relationship (haha. Tara is extremely abusive :]. just kidding...)
(x) taken painkillers (morphine, codine, simple motrin. you name it, i've probably taken it)
(X) laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
(x) made a snow angel
() had a tea party
(x) flown a kite
(x) built a sand castle
(x) gone puddle jumping
(x) played dress up (don't ask..)
(x) jumped into a pile of leaves
(x) gone sledding
(x) cheated while playing a game (shhhh)
(x) been lonely
(x) fallen asleep at work/school
() used a fake id
(x) watched the sun set (it's always been my dream to be with a girl i love and watch the sun go down and stay there 'til it gets dark and then watch the stars. it has yet to happen)
() felt an earthquake
(x) touched a snake
(x) slept beneath the stars
(x) been tickled
(x) been robbed
(x) been misunderstood
() pet a reindeer/goat (i thought reindeers were fake)
(x) won a contest
() been suspended from school (got really close after that fight in 6th grade)
() been in a car accident
() eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
(x) had deja vu (my dreams have occured in the future many a time)
() danced in the moonlight
() hated the way you look (I am who I am. I wouldn't change it even though I know that I'm an unbearable site.)
(x) witnessed a crime
() pole danced
(x) questioned your heart
() been obsessed with post-it notes (i use the very frequently. but i'm not obsessed)
(x) squished barefoot through the mud
(x) been lost
(x) been to the opposite side of the country
(x) swam in the ocean
(X) felt like dying
(x) cried yourself to sleep
(x) played cops and robbers
() recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
(x) sung karaoke (Jeff and I rocked some crazyness at Laura's)
() paid for a meal with only coins
(X) done something you told yourself you wouldn't
() made prank phone calls
(x) laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
(x) caught a snowflake on your tongue
(x) danced in the rain
(x) written a letter to Santa Claus
() been kissed under a mistletoe
() watched the sun set with someone you care about (woah. i was just talking about this earlier in this entry)
(x) blown bubbles
(x) made a bonfire on the beach
() crashed a party
(x) gone roller skating
(x) had a wish come true
() humped a monkey (what.......the.....fuck)
() worn pearls
(x) jumped off a bridge
(x) screamed in class (ha)
(x) ate dog/cat food (HEY i was curious)
(x) told a complete stranger you loved them (not a complete stranger. but i've made that mistake before)
() kissed a mirror
(x) sang in the shower
() have a little black dress
(x) had a dream that you married someone (guess who?)
(x) glued your hand to something
() got your tongue stuck to a flag pole
() kissed a fish (I've NEVER been able to touch fish. it creeps me out)
(x) worn the opposite sex clothes (me? no way! hahaha. i own some)
(x) sat on a roof top
(x) screamed at the top of your lungs
() done a one-handed cartwheel (yeah...lets keep working on that 2 hander)
() talked on the phone for more than 5 hours
(x) stayed up all night
() didn't take a shower for a week (GROSS)
() pick and ate an apple right off the tree
(x) climbed a tree ( :] )
() had a tree house/club house
(x) are scared to watch scary movies alone (I'll admit it, but I do watch them alone anyways)
() believe in ghosts
() have more then 30 pairs of shoes
(x) worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say (I wore my usual clothes)
(x) gone streaking
(x) played ding-dong-ditch
() played chicken (pox?)
(x) been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on
(x) been told you're hot by a complete stranger
(XX) broken a bone
() caught a fish then ate it
(x) caught a butterfly
(x) laughed so hard you cried
() cried so hard you laughed
(x) forgotten someone's name
(x) slept
() french braided someones hair
() gone skinny dippin in a swiming pool (lake. Eric has pulled off the swimming pool)

yeah. i'm tired now. if you got a question about one of those weird things i did ask it. Smatt out.

Current Mood: wishin' that I could help her

04:14 pm

and as everyone cares

my words are limited


think before you say or do

.... but remember that no decision



will ever
be perfect




yet out from my voice

feelings
will still

fall out into words

attempting to favor the feelings
of those around me

01:50 pm

Come up to meet you
Tell you I’m sorry
You don’t know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Aww let’s go back to the start

Runnin’ in circles
Comin’ our tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Aww take me back to the start

I was just guessin’
At numbers and figures
Pullin’ the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Tell me you love me
Come back to haunt me
Oh when I rush to the start

Runnin’ in circles
Chasin’ our tails
Comin’ back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Aww It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
I’m goin’ back to the start

Current Mood: determined

11:56 pm

maybe I'll never see her again.... :( with my luck I probably won't

just the thought digs the continuous ditch to depression


fuck the world and it's cruel themes of love and happiness
for the only truth

lies at the bottom

Current Mood: depressed